Sometimes you wake up with hardened drool connecting your mouth to your girlfriend’s inherited, embroidered pillow and you ask yourself if the saliva oozing out of you is worthy of this pillow - if your mouth is worthy of this excrement - if your body is worthy of all the work you’re putting it through and if your mind… your special, unique, little mind is anything special or unique; and is it worth the amount of stress you’re putting it through every day of work.
Or sometimes you don’t have such a bad day. Sometimes you just wake up pissed that you missed your alarm. Either way, if you’re headed to work angry, you better take a few steps to lessen that bull’s thrust because there aren’t enough china shops for you to barrel through before hurting the people closest to you (well, maybe not close, but if you see these assholes every day of the work week then yes you’re close).
Take the Long Route.
This may sound self explanatory, but it isn’t. The long route doesn’t mean you’re in transit the entire time. It means that for one morning you don’t give a shit about what time you come into the office. Go get yourself some breakfast, smoke a bowl, take a shot, buy a pack of cigarettes and make it rain on your neighborhood bum. Whatever makes you feel powerful in the morning, go do it before the forces of the working class come crunching down on you.
Avoid Showtime.
There is a trend among NYC subways, and I’m sure it’s real in any subway culture - people make money off your attention span and your annoyance. They walk in shouting and dropping a boomboxes (that’s right - boomboxes) pointing and begging for you to watch their show because it’s the only way they can make money. That may be true. Jobs don’t scrape off the side of the big apple, but they also don’t come with the embarrassment of having to beg for your money. Are you annoyed already? I am. And I know that today, the morning I write this, would be a very bad day for me to be given a Showtime.
Take the Short Route.
Contradictions are my specialty - next to Lasagna Yogurt (it’ll catch on). So you take the long route and you’re late for work and damnit.. that didn’t work, did it? You’re even more angry and now you’re in trouble. Well, for those of us who don’t have a lax entry time in the office - take the short route. Get to work early. No. That sounds bad. Get to the area in which work is located early. Say you work on 34th Street, yet you live in Brooklyn. Get to Union Square early. You’ve got a decent walk or a short train ahead of you. Either way, you’re more than halfway to work, so relax. Now you can have your breakfast, or large overcrowded cup of caffeine; or you can play a bum at chess for $5. You may still be late to work, but at least you won’t be stressing out about it while you’re supposed to be relaxing.
Regulate your Shit Cycle.
Nothing’s more satisfying than waking up and destroying that monster living inside your colon. Don’t laugh, it’s not funny. When I say monster, I mean monster. Half of your body is how your mind chooses to react to stimuli. If you start traveling to work on an upset stomach that pain will manifest into a legitimate monster by the time you reach the front door. It will fester and test you on the 40 minute train ride that banks hard to lefts or rights.
So start waking up early and sitting your ass down on that toilet with knees high saying to yourself “before I lay me poop to sleep I pray to work my ass will keep”
Trust me, the next time you wake up angry - go straight to the shitter. The day will simply fly by.
Imagine You’re Headed to School Instead of Work.
Don’t think you know what I’m going to say yet. I don’t mean elementary school where you get recess for half the day and all they teach you is how to fill out a bubble sheet with a number 2 pencil. I’m talking about Middle School or High School. I’m talking about the days of rebellion. I’m talking about those mornings you wake up dreading the administrator’s rules about not venturing past the fenced-in courtyard. I’m talking about you going into work with the mindset of a kid they’d put on a terrorist watch list if they ever listened in on your conversations with friends. Rebellion is the antithesis to constriction and both are vital to creativity and happiness. You can’t be creative without someone putting you into a box first, and you’re not going to be able to get out of that box without a little rebellion. People tend to forget just how powerful they are in choosing whether or not they want to conform or rebel. If your boss tells you to be there at 9:30am every morning or you’re fired, show up at 9:35. Hell, show up at 9:40 and see if they notice. After a few days they’ll get the hint, and you’ll feel as powerful as Martin Luther. No, not the King ( though the analogy would work ) Martin Luther the guy who got so fed up with religion that he posted an angry letter about it on his church doors before going and creating his own religion.
Abide by Your Baser Instincts.
If you have a significant other… you know what to do. If you don’t have a significant other… you’ve got an even better idea about what to do.
Depending on which of those fits you better, you could be picking flowers on your way to work in no time. Though if your significant other doesn’t share the same sleep cycle as you I’d suggest keeping it close to the chest. Then getting a towel and cleaning off your chest because that shit’ll crust over and have you scratching all day, causing coworkers to wonder if you have fleas or just like to ejaculate on yourself in the morning.
Grow Up.
This is what the whole post boils down to. If you’re unhappy or angry or sad in the morning then just grow up. Really. When you start to mature you begin realizing that life is literally only comprised of how you choose to view it. Okay, yes, if you’re a refugee waiting outside the borders of racist America, then you’ve got it much worse than a lot of other people. However, if you’re a refugee, you’re also not reading this post. In fact, anyone actually reading a blog post by an advertising agency employee looking for the secrets to happiness may already be fucked. If you are that person, then listen up. Open your mouth. Just enough to relax your jaw. Then slowly pull your lips back by the corners. Use your muscles, not your hands. Once you’ve done that, try to match that with your bottom lip by showing your teeth to the world. That’s a smile. One smile. Hold it a moment. Relax. Repeat. Consider this your morning workout. Muscle memory doesn’t lie. If you do this as often as you check your Instagram I guarantee you’ll be living a better life soon enough.